NOTICES (Zbyszek Fibinger, IOU)

Plumber:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

 

 

Pizza shop slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

 

 

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blow out."

 

 

Door of a plastic surgeons office:

"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

 

 

Sign at the psychic's hotline:

"Don't call us, we'll call you."

 

 

At a laundry shop:

"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close

the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

 

 

At a towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

 

 

Billboard on the side of the road:

"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

 

 

On an electricians truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

 

 

In a non-smoking area:

"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate

action."

 

 

On maternity room door:

"Push, Push, Push."

 

 

At an optometrists office

"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

 

 

On a taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

 

 

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

 

 

On a Butchers window:

"Let me meat your needs."

 

 

On a fence:

"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

 

 

At a car dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

 

 

Outside a muffler shop:

"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

 

 

Outside a hotel:

"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

 

 

On a desk in a reception room:

"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

 

 

In a veterinarians waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

 

 

At the electric company:

"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't

you will be."

 

 

On the door of a computer store:

"Out for a quick byte."

 

 

In a restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

 

 

Inside a bowling alley:

"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

 

 

In the front yard of a funeral home:

"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

 

 

In a counsellors office:

"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

 

 

At a Santa Fe gas station:

"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

 

 

In a New York restaurant:

"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

 

 

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:

"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters

of Mercy"

 

 

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:

"38 years on the same spot."

 

 

In a Los Angeles dance hall:

"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

 

 

In a Florida maternity ward:

"No children allowed."

 

 

In a New York drugstore:

"We dispense with accuracy."

 

 

In the offices of a loan company:

"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

 

 

In a New York medical building:

"Mental Health Prevention Center"

 

 

On a New York convalescent home:

"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

 

 

On a Maine shop:

"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and

workmanship."

 

 

At a number of military bases:

"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

 

 

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:

"Now available in multi-packs."

 

 

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:

"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

 

 

In a funeral parlor:

"Ask about our layaway plan."

 

 

In a clothing store:

"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

 

 

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:

"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

 

 

On a shopping mall marquee:

"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

 

 

Outside a country shop:

"We buy junk and sell antiques."

 

 

In the window of an Oregon store:

"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

 

 

In a Maine restaurant:

"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

 

 

On a radiator repair garage:

"Best place to take a leak."

 

 

In the vestry of a New England church:

"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is

extinguished."

 

 

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:

"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own

graves."

 

 

On a roller coaster:

"Watch your head."

 

 

On the grounds of a public school:

"No trespassing without permission."

 

 

On a Tennessee highway:

"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

 

 

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:

"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

 

 

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise

untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw

stones at this sign."